Monthly Archives: March 2012


acomia (n): ancient Islandic tradition of melting butter on priceless paintings and “hoping for the best.”

I’m not sure how this “ancient” process developed, or on what priceless paintings it’s been attempted on, but I wish they’d head on down to MOMA. 

A lot of those “pieces” could use a little butter – I guess what I’m saying is that a red square on a white canvass is a little dry…


Bagra (v):  to animate a cheeseburger comedy

So what’s this cheeseburger’s story? 

Does he fall in love with a regular old burger but have to introduce it to his racist parents?

Is he on a quest to find the perfect bun?

Does he become vegan?

Who knows? 

Alright Youtube – it’s your turn.

Beginning of the End

Beginning of the End (movie):

Chucky Chipmunk’s unbridled passion leads a piece of brie to its doom.

The first movie to base its plot around chensoing, this 1997 horror classic was released straight to BETA, which had become obsolete many years before. When it was unearthed in Mel Gibson’s friend Tony’s basement by a screenwriter who wanted to believe that Mr. Gibson was secretly holding onto his script about a Volcano who experiences unrequitable love with a creater made of Vinegar and Baking Soda named Wilfred (poorly titled “Erupt me now . . . Wilfred’s Journey”).

Set in the days of Mad Max, this animated horror film involved Chucky “Chuckster” Chipmunk just after a horrible break-up. Chucky decides to take his life, but his stopped when he realizes he has an auto-erotic asphyixation affectation. Horny, alone, and for no reason at all living in a fantasy world of Mel Gibson kicking ass with a cool car-helicopter, Chucky spies a pieces of brie hanging out with his homies and . . well, the rest is unmentionable. BUT–I’ll mention it anyway. He basically does a piece of brie so hard that the rind starts to cry. But no one listens.

Go buy a BETA machine now.


antibromic: To be against stinky cheese…but for cheese in general

history: Samuel Cheddar was the first to use this term. He had a love/hate affair with Gwyneth “Stone-Ground” Cracker, but when she left him for Jorge Apestoso, Cheddar lit a fire in the basement of his home and melted himself to death. However, when he reformed as “Smoked” Samuel Cheddar, and found God, he began a campaign against all stinky cheese. Known in southern England as “getting pepperjacked,” Smoked Samuel began a reign of terror that was only quenched when the famed Italian general, mud wrestler, and overall chinese checkers champion La Prosciutto arrived and was promptly eaten along with Smoked Samuel. When the dust finally settled, it was agreed by all that all cheese hate crimes would be punishable by fondue, and thus the word antibromic was coined.

To be antibromic is to believe that the stinky few are the worst thing that happened since people started using that stupid term “after sliced bread.”

The Time of the Year

A relationship between Diana, a compulsive liar, and Tom, a compulsive believer, somehow works out.
After a rocky start, when Diana said, “meet me at 9am at Starbucks,” and Tom showed up, and Diana didn’t.

Then Diana said, “No, I meant meet me at the corner of Main Street and 1st at 11am,” and Tom showed up, and Diana didn’t.

And then Tom said, “Come over to my place tonight,” and Diana replied “I’ll be there!” but she wasn’t.

The two finally connected at a slam poetry reading. Diana had told Tom she’d meet him at the NJ Nets game, but then Tom decided to not show up and instead went to Uncommonly Ground Coffee Shop, signing up to read his latest work: “I believe in you.”

Meanwhile, Diana, who had agreed to go on a date with Freddy (she didn’t go), went instead to her usual hang-out coffee shop, arriving just in time to hear Tom reading his work. After a tumultuous one-night stand, Diana said “I’m leaving.”

She stayed.